Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth!
Bobby H. Created The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Not Pastafarianism
History has shown us that oral and written knowledge can vanish into the ether quicker than you can say “soggy noodles.” From book burnings that would make any pyromaniac blush to witch hunts that left more headless chickens than you'd find at a KFC, wisdom has been tossed aside like yesterday's leftover spaghetti. But fear not, dear reader! Within these pages lies compelling evidence that the Pastafarian religion isn’t just some recent gag cooked up in a darkened room by Bobby Henderson; it’s one of the oldest belief systems on this lovely planet. Yes, indeed! It predates Islam, Christianity, and even Judaism by at least 4,000 years—or about as long as that one great-aunt who still thinks the moon landing was faked.
This ancient status explains why many non-followers of the Pastafarian faith often scoff at our loyal believers in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This misunderstanding, mixed with a splash of jealousy, has led to unwarranted persecution and the denial of our cherished religious rights—be it our sacred headgear resembling colanders, our delicious holidays, or the right to twirl our pasta in peace. It’s a travesty worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy, if Shakespeare had ever tried to write a play about the culinary arts.
Enter the First Order Piraticus, a mythical sect of the Pastafarian faith. The monks of F.O.P. hold fast to the Four Eternal Truths of Pastafarianism*, which are detailed herein on this website. While not every Pastafarian can claim the title of First Order Piraticus, rest assured that all Monks of the F.O.P. are devout followers of glorious pasta.
Let us not forget the grand tradition of the Book of Piraticus Dictionary (affectionately dubbed The Words), which shall be included in all new holy works of the First Order Piraticus. This way, true religious texts will be easily identifiable—much like a food truck at a music festival. These sacred words shall be scattered throughout the pages, perhaps tucked away on the inside cover, or even hidden so cleverly that they could fit in a single period. Where they appear is of no consequence; what truly matters is that they are there, silently witnessing the glorious history of our saucy faith.
The Four Eternal Truths of Pastafarianism*
- The Flying Spaghetti Monster is the one true deity.
- All of creation was made by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a way that is not scientifically verifiable.
- The more you practice Pastafarianism, the more you will be rewarded in the afterlife.
- Pirates are the original Pastafarians.
The Words: Aarrrgh*, Ahoy, Arrrgh, Avast, Avast Me Hearties, Avast Ye, Aye Aye Cap’n, Bail Out, Batten Down The Hatches, Bilge-Sucking, Black Spot, Blimey, Blow Me Down, Blow the Man Down, Booty, Bounty, Brig, Bring a Spring Upon Er, Broadside, Buccaneer, Bucko, Bumboat, Cannonball, Cap’n, Careen, Carouser, Cat O’Nine Tails, Chantey, Chase Gun, Clap of Thunder, Cleave Him to the Brisket, Clipper, Coffer, Cog, Crack Jenny’s Teacup, Crow’s Nest, Cut a Rug, Cutlass, Davy Jones Locker, Dead Men Tell No Tales, Doubloons, Fathom, Feed the Fish, Fiddlers Green, Fire in the Hole, Flogging, Foul Weather, Full Sail, Galleon, Galley, Gangplank, Go On Account, Grog, Grog Blossom, Hands, Hang em from the Yardarm, Hang the Jib, Hardtack, Head, Hardee's, Heave-ho, Heave-to, Hempen Halter, Hornpipe, Hornswoggle, Jack, Jack catch, Jacob's Ladder, Jolly Roger, Keelhaul, Killik, Lad, Land Ho, Landlubber, Letters of Marque, Lookout, Loot, Man-o-war, Maritime Law, Maroon, Marooned, Matey, Me, Mizzen, Mutiny, No Prey No Pay, Old Salt, On the Account, Overboard, Pieces of Eight, Pillage, Piracy, Pirate’s Code, Plank, Plunder, Poop deck, Privateer, Quarter, Ransack, Red Ensign, Rum, Run a Rig, Run a Shot Across the Bow, Sail Ho, Savvy, Scallywag, Scourge of the Seven Seas, Scurvy Dog, Scuttle, Scuttlebutt, Sea Dog, Sea Legs, Shanty, Shark Bait, Shipshape, Shiver Me Timbers, Sink Me, Skull and Crossbones, Son of a Biscuit Eater, Splice the Mainbrace, Spyglass, Squiffy, Strike Colors, Swab, Take a Caulk, Tar, Thar She Blows, Three Sheets to the Wind, Tide, Topmast, Treasure Map, Walk the Plank, Weigh Anchor and Hoist the Mizzen, Wench, Ye, Ye be Warned, Yellow Jack & Yo Ho Ho!
Cockaigne
We aren't a modern religion at all
The mythical land of Cockaigne (pronounced as cocaine) takes us all the way back to the year 1250. A place of endless abundance and indulgence, resonates humorously with the modern dining experience at Olive Garden. Just as Cockaigne features fantastical elements like rivers flowing with wine and food appearing effortlessly, the Olive Garden tantalizes patrons with its "unlimited" offerings and the playful ritual of grating fresh Parmesan cheese directly onto pasta dishes. The image of cheese raining from the sky evokes the whimsical spirit of Cockaigne, transforming a simple meal into a feast of excess. In this way, the Olive Garden embodies a contemporary interpretation of the Cockaigne fantasy, where the joy of indulgence and communal dining allows diners to momentarily escape the rigors of daily life.
This connection finds an even more humorous twist within the context of Pastafarianism, where devotees embrace the absurdity of their beliefs by worshiping the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The juxtaposition of divine spaghetti with the Olive Garden’s cheese ritual creates a playful narrative linking all three concepts: Cockaigne, with its promise of abundance; Olive Garden, with its representation of contemporary indulgence; and Pastafarianism, which satirizes religious practices while celebrating the joy of food. Together, they craft a tapestry of indulgence that blurs the lines between reality and satire, inviting us to reflect on our own relationship with abundance, community, and the pleasures of dining. Cheese from the sky? Clearly our Pastafarian ancestors could see the future! And we have just proved that Pastafarianism is NOT modern.
Old... but, Ancient?
Since Pirates are the true first Pastafarians, our history goes way way back. The Amarna Letters from the King of Babylon Ashur-Uballit I to Egyptian Pharoh Akhenaten written around 1350 BCE (this now makes Pastafarianism 3374 years old) talks about the Lukka and Sherden people sacking ships and even capturing towns. They are but some of the Sea Peoples who comprised of the Denyen, Eqwesh, Karkiša, Lukka, Peleset, Shekelesh, Sherden, Teresh, Tjekker, and Weshesh. Still not convinced? Well even the Ancient Sumerians which are believed to be the first "modern" civilization had documented cases of piracy by the Elamites and others before them. When did the Sumers live? All the way back in 6000 BC was when the first resemblance of community popped up, but the first "city" is dated 5400 BC! Our true history goes back even farther because for as long as mankind has walked the earth, pirates have existed. So there you have it, BELIEVE IT OR NOT we have just proven to you that Pastafarians date back 7,400+ years...
And lo, in the age of enlightenment, the number of pirates did dwindle, and with their absence, the Earth’s temperatures began to rise! It was said in the great scrolls of the Flying Spaghetti Monster that for every pirate lost, a tenth of a degree of warmth seeped into the atmosphere. Where once there were hearty souls brandishing swords, now stand landlubbers sipping lattes and pondering existence. As the last pirate lowered his eyepatch in surrender, the oceans sighed, “Alas, we are doomed!” Let us raise our mugs of grog to the days when piracy ruled the waves. If we do not summon the echoes of these rogue adventurers back from the depths, we may find ourselves sweltering under the relentless sun. Arrrgh, where be the treasure? In the balance of the planet, mateys!
Understand we aim to take nothing away from Bobby Henderson, and understand many will still see him as the Father of Pastafarians and that's ok. We are just pointing out OUR true Pastafarian origins!